1. |
Politic-GO
00:43
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2. |
Calf Corsets
00:38
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3. |
Possum Sauce
00:50
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MANKIND HAS COME TOO FAR FROM OUR FORAGING DAYS. WE’VE BEEN EATING GROCERY STORE MEAT SO LONG, WE FORGOT HOW TO FEND FOR OURSELVES. WE NEED TO GET BACK INTO IT, AND TO MAKE THAT EASIER, I HAVE INVENTED POSSUM SAUCE. IT’S AN ANTIBACTERIAL MARINADE DESIGNED SPECIFICALLY FOR ROADKILL. IT’S GOOD ON SQUIRRELS, CHIPMUNKS, CATS, AND OBVIOUSLY POSSUMS. I EVEN HAD A SKUNK WITH IT ONCE, BUT I WOULDN’T ADVISE IT UNTIL YOU’RE ON MY LEVEL. POSSUM SAUCE CAN MAKE ANY MEAT TASTE LIKE CHICKEN, BUT THE BEST TASTING MEAT, IS MEAT THAT YOU KILLED YOURSELF. OR THAT A TRUCK KILLED, IF IT’S SEASONED PROPERLY. POSSUM SAUCE.
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4. |
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5. |
Ass Spackle
00:56
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TIRED OF SWAMP-ASS? SICK OF HIKING UP YOUR CARGO SHORTS IN PUBLIC? WHY NOT SEAL THAT CRACK WITH ASS SPACKLE! ASS SPACKLE’S FLEXIBLE POLYURETHANE PASTE CONFORMS TO YOUR UNIQUE ANAL TOPOGRAPHY AND CREATES A PERFECTLY FLAT, WATERTIGHT SEAL!
"I HAVE WHAT YOU’D CALL A LONG BUTT. I START SPLITTIN’ MIDWAY UP THE BACK. MY JOB AS A PLUMBER HAS LEAD TO NOTHING BUT WISECRACKS BEFORE I STARTED USING ASS SPACKLE."
ONCE THE FORM FITTING PASTE HAS SOLIDIFIED, SIMPLY PEEL AWAY AT THE END OF THE DAY, WASH, AND REUSE! ASS SPACKLE IS DISHWASHER SAFE AND MODERATELY HYGENIC!
"I USE ASS SPACKLE TO GET THAT PERFECT YOGA-PANTS BUBBLE. EVERYONE IN MY ZUMBA CLASS CAN’T STOP STARING!"
ASS SPACKLE COMES IN EVERY BUTT SKIN TONE, TO GET A PERFECT MATCH EVEN WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE! DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YA WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YA, SEAL IT UP WITH ASS SPACKLE!
"SEE THESE LOW-WAISTED SHORTS? BET YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I WAS WEARING ASS SPACKLE!" (SQUEAK, POP)
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6. |
SweatSocks
00:45
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BRO, HOW ARE YOUR GAINS? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET SWOLE AS FUCK? YOU MIGHT THINK THE ANSWER LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF ONE OF THOSE FANCY PANTS SPORTS DRINKS, AND YOU’RE KINDA ALMOST RIGHT. BUT THE THING IS, THEM ELECTROLYTES DON’T STAY ON THE INSIDE WHERE THEY FIGHT OFF PANSY CHEMICALS KEEPIN' YOU FROM GETTIN' RIPPED. YOU SWEAT EM RIGHT OUT. NOW, IN AN ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS WORLD, WHY NOT RECYCLE YOUR NUTRIENTS LOST TO SWEAT, WITH SWEAT SOCKS! THE GROUNDBREAKING POLYPROPYLENE SWEATSUIT FOR YOUR FEET! SWEAT SOCKS COLLECT ALL OF THOSE DELICIOUS JUICES, WHICH YOU MIX WITH OUR PATENTED PROTEIN POWDER TO MAKE A WORKOUT DRINK LIKE NO OTHER. LITERALLY, 'CUZ ITS LIKE, YOUR SWEAT. RIGHT? YEAH. YEAH. SWEAT SOCKS! 14.99 A PAIR, AND POWDER POWER PACKS ARE ONLY A DOLLAR A PIECE! BUY ONLINE AT FOOT-IN-MOUTH DOT COM.
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7. |
Buy-A-Wish
00:28
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AAAYYYY, HOW’S IT GOING? COULD BE BETTER, RIGHT? EVERYBODY’S GOT WISHES, WHY YA GOTTA BE A SICK KID TO GET ‘EM? AM I RIGHT? HERE AT BUY-A-WISH, WE GOT A DICKLOAD OF MAGIC LAMPS. WE GOT GENIES OUT THE ASS. SHOW A LITTLE COIN, AND WE’RE IN BUSINESS, FRIEND. EVERYONE SAYS ‘CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR’, BUT EVERYONE’S AN IDIOT, AND YOU’VE GOT A GENIE. BUY-A-WISH. COME ON IN, AND RUB ONE OUT.
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8. |
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BOOTLEG DRANKS HAS A SPECIAL NEW BREW! THE SHOE-SHINE-MOON-SHINE! THIS SPECIAL NEW LIQUOR OUTPERFORMS OUR DEODORIZER PILSNER, AND LEAVES OUR FAMED GOUT-STOUT IN THE DUST. WITH A PROPRIETARY BLEND OF HOPS, BARLEY, AND NAPTHTA, THE ALL NEW SHOE-SHINE-MOON-SHINE IS GOOD FOR TWO THINGS, POLISHING LEATHER AND KILLING BRAIN CELLS! COME PICK UP YOUR BOTTLE TODAY AND RECEIVE YOUR LIMITED EDITION HEEL-CUSHION BOTTLE OPENER TODAY! BOOTLEG DRANKS! IF THE SHOE FITS: DRANK IT!
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9. |
Heavy Petting Zoo
00:40
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I AM A RAGING MANLY MAN. YOU CAN TELL BY MY VOICE. I LOVE TWO THINGS. PERPETUATING HARMFUL STEREOTYPES, AND FUCKIN’ PETTING ADORABLE GODDAMN ANIMALS. I RUN THE HEAVY PETTING ZOO. IT’S A PLACE YOU TESTOSTERONE FOUNTAINS WILL LOVE. WE’VE GOT MOTHERFUCKING ALPACAS. ALPACAS! THEY’RE LIKE GIRAFFE SHEEP DINOSAURS, I MEAN HOLY FUCK IT’S CUTE. GOD DAMN. WE’VE ALSO GOT BUNNIES. NOT THE KIND FOR EATIN’, THE KIND WITH THE REALLY SOFT FUR THAT YOU CAN JUST BURY YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING FACE IN HOLY SHIT ITS SO FUCKING GOOD AAAAGHHH. COME TO THE HEAVY PETTING ZOO AND IF YOU’RE LUCKY THEY’LL PET YOU BACK
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10. |
Necronomi-Kama Sutra
00:40
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11. |
Cadaver Drones
00:37
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CREMATION IS SO BLAND AND BORING. VIKING FUNERALS ARE EXPENSIVE AND WASTEFUL. WHAT IF THERE WAS A MORE FUN, ECONOMICAL, AND GREENER WAY TO DEAL WITH THE REMAINS OF YOUR EXPIRED LOVED ONES? CADAVER DRONES DOES JUST THAT! TURN YOUR GRANDFATHER INTO A QUAD COPTER WITH CADAVER DRONES! CHOOSE FROM A VARIETY OF CLASSIC POSES LIKE THE SUPERMAN, THE TEA BAG, AND THE SKYDIVER! EVERY CADAVER DRONE IS EQUIPPED WITH A GIMBAL-STABILIZED, FULLY FUNCTIONAL 4K CAMERA! WHILE YOUR LOVED ONES ARE WATCHING YOU FROM ABOVE, YOU CAN BE WATCHING THEM FROM BELOW. CADAVER DRONES!
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12. |
Ass-Haul
00:33
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13. |
Shrub Dubbers
00:31
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HERE’S SOMETHIN' YOU MIGHT NOTTA' THOUGHT ABOUT: PLANTS IS PEOPLE TOO. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT PLANTS GROW BETTER IF YOU TALK TO ‘EM, BUT MOST PEOPLE DON’T EVEN KNOW THEIR NAMES! I UNDERSTAND. IT’S HARD TO RUSTLE UP A CONVERSATION WITH A HEDGEROW. THEY’RE PRIVATE FOLKS. THAT’S WHERE WE COME IN. AT SHRUB DUBBERS, WE’LL CONSULT YOUR CARNATIONS AND BEFRIEND YOUR BEGONIAS. WE CAN BE YOUR LILAC’S LIAISON. WITH OUR ONCE A WEEK CONSULTATIONS, WE’LL GET YOU AND YOUR PLANTS ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS. SHRUB DUBBERS. WE DUB YOUR SHRUBS.
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14. |
Savior Date
00:44
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FIRST DATES ARE TOUGH. THERE’S SO MUCH ANTICIPATION, EXPECTATION, AND PERSPIRATION. YOU WANT TO CRACK THE RIGHT JOKES, SMILE THE RIGHT WAY, AND SAY THE RIGHT THINGS. BUT EVERYONE KNOWS ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. SAVIOR-DATE CAN MAKE YOU A HERO. SIMPLY DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP, AND DURING YOUR DATE SURREPTITIOUSLY SELECT AN EMERGENCY TYPE. FROM CHOKING CUSTOMER, ARMED ROBBERY, TO FAINTING WAITER, OUR TRAINED ACTORS CAN ARRIVE WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES OF PRESSING THE BUTTON. YOU’LL RECEIVE A TEXT JUST SECONDS BEFORE YOUR MOMENT TO SHINE! LEAP INTO ACTION KNOWING THAT NO MATTER WHAT, YOU’LL BE A HERO. WE DON’T CHARGE YOUR CARD UNTIL THE NEXT DAY, SO THAT WAY YOU CAN STILL PICK UP THE CHECK FOR DINNER! SAVIOR-DATE. AVAILABLE ON THE APP STORE.
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15. |
7th Chance Consignment
00:34
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LOOK, HERE’S THE DEAL. EVERYBODY IS HAVING SEX WITH EVERYONE ELSE, ON EVERYTHING, EVER. PERIOD. IT’S A NASTY, NASTY WORLD WE LIVE IN. YOU JUST GOTTA GET OVER IT, ALRIGHT? THAT SAID, DO YOU NEED A SOFA? HOW ‘BOUT A MATTRESS? AT SEVENTH CHANCE CONSIGNMENT SHOP, WE’VE GOT THE BEST PRICES, ON THE OKAY-EST FURNITURE. NOT GONNA LIE, MOST OF THIS SHIT COMES FROM CLOSED DOWN MOTELS. I’M AN HONEST GUY, I RUN AN HONEST PLACE. OUR ENTIRE SHOWROOM FLOOR IS LIT WITH BLACK-LIGHTS, SO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT’S UP. GET OVER IT; GET INTO IT. SEVENTH CHANCE CONSIGNMENT.
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16. |
Horse Milk
00:39
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17. |
"Insurance"
00:46
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INSURANCE PREMIUMS ARE EXPENSIVE…UNLESS THEY’RE FAKE! WHY PAY GOOD MONEY FOR SOMETHING YOU DON’T EVEN WANNA USE. TROUBLE IS, YOU BUMP SOME GRANNY IN A PARKING LOT AND SHE’S SCREAMIN' ABOUT ‘INFORMATION’. WELL, GIVE IT TO ‘ER. FOR JUST NINE BUCKS A MONTH, YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM ANY OF OUR POPULAR LISTING TITLES LIKE: STATE PARM, GEICOO, PROGRESSO, OR ALLSLATE. WHEN THEY CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR ‘INSURANCE CARD’, WE’LL PATCH THEM THROUGH TO OUR INFINITE AUTOMATED VOICE-ONLY ANSWERING SERVICE. HEH HEH IT SOMETIMES SWITCHES TO SPANISH FOR NO REASON, IT’S GREAT. AHEM. CALL “INSURANCE” TODAY. THAT’S “INSURANCE” WITH QUOTATION MARKS.
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18. |
Lawyer
00:17
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19. |
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20. |
Sweater Puppies
00:39
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ON A COOL DAY, NOTHING IS BETTER THAN A COZY SWEATER. AND WHATS CUTER THAN A PUPPY? SWEATER PUPPIES. ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL OOGLE, SOME MAY EVEN WANT TO PET IT. SWEATER PUPPIES COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES, DALMATIAN, LABRADOR, CHIHUAHUA, OR PUG! YOU’LL BE AT YOUR BEST WITH A PUPPY ON YOUR CHEST. PERFECT FOR CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS, SLUMBER PARTIES, OR EVEN DATE NIGHT! EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOUR SWEATER-PUPPY. FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY YOU CAN GET A DISCOUNT ON YOUR SWEATER PUPPIES BY SENDING IN YOUR OWN PUPPIES TO BE TURNED INTO A SWEATER! OPTIONAL RETURNS ON ANY UNUSED PARTS, FREE. PARTING WITH YOUR PUPS CAN BE HARD, SO KEEP THEM CLOSE TO HEART. SWEATER PUPPIES.
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21. |
Ripped Condom Repair Kit
00:43
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22. |
SmartBone
00:45
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NOWADAYS, EVERYONES GOT A SMARTPHONE. IT JUST MAKES LIFE EASIER, BUT DOES IT MAKE LIFE BETTER? WHAT YOU NEED IS A SMART BONE. IT CAN’T FIND THE NEAREST APPLEBEES, BUT IT CAN FIND THE CLITORIS. YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF “IS THERE AN APP FOR THAT?” YOU DON’T NEED ONE. THE SMART-BONE IS AN ARTIFICALLY INTELLIGENT, FULLY-ARTICULATED, PROSTHETIC PENIS PROGRAMMED WITH ONE PRIMARY PURPOSE: PLEASURE.
"I HAD A TWO HOUR CONVERSATION WITH MY SMART BONE BEFORE WE EVEN GOT TO CANOODLIN’! IT SATISFIED ME IN WAYS MY PARTNER NEVER COULD!"
SMARTBONE CAN COMMUNCATE THROUGH BLUETOOTH, BUT FOR MAXIMUM PLEASURE HAVE IT SURGICALLY ATTACHED AT ONE OF OUR RETAIL CENTERS! SMART BONE. TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE.
"HELLO, TIME TO GET FUCKIN'!"
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23. |
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24. |
CornHub
00:47
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25. |
Exotic 'Steaks'
00:32
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26. |
Killem & Dead Law Firm
00:33
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YOU GOT A COURT DATE? SOMEONE GONE AND DID YA DIRTY? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ENTITLED TO SOME KINDA COMPENSATION? YOU NEED TO CALL ME. AT KILLEM & DEAD LAW FIRM, WE TAKE CARE OF THINGS. MY NAME IS BUNDY KILLEM
AND I’M DAHMER DEAD. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF OUR CASES DON’T EVEN GO TO TRIAL.
WE’RE PROBLEM FIXERS FOR A MODEST FEE. GOT A TOUGH SITUATION? CALL KILLEM & DEAD. WE CAN ATTOURNEY THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
WE’RE KILLEM & DEAD LAW FIRM. WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS.
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27. |
The White House: Hiring
00:33
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DO YOU HATE POOR PEOPLE? DOES AN AR-15 GET YOU ROCK-HARD? DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH BASIC HUMAN DECENCY? THE WHITE HOUSE MIGHT HAVE AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU! WE'RE HIRING, IN ALL POSITIONS! THE RIGHT CANDIDATE WILL BE OLD, RICH, AND WHITE. THEY WILL HAVE A NATURAL TALENT FOR BOLD-FACED LIES, AN AVERSION TO COMPASSION, AND AT LEAST 3 CORPORATE CONFLICTS OF INTEREST. YOU COULD RUN THE EPA, CIA, OR ANY GOVERNMENT BUREAU! WE WILL PASS YOU REGARDLESS OF PUBLIC HEARING OUTCOME. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A DEGREE, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE FOR TRUMP UNIVERSITY! THE WHITE HOUSE. HIRING NOW!
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28. |
In-Audible
00:30
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29. |
Mayer's Furniture
00:34
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30. |
Hiney Pack
00:31
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31. |
Problem Pointer-Outers
00:32
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HELLO, HOW'S YOUR LIFE GOING? GOOD? WRONG. COMPLACENCY IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS EVERYTHING FALLING APART. THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED US FOR! THE PROBLEM POINTER-OUTERS. WE'LL COME INTO YOUR HOME, INSPECT YOUR LIFE, INSPECT YOUR HOUSE, INSPECT YOUR WIFE. YOU MIGHT HAVE A SECRET CHIMNEY YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT! DON'T WANT THAT BURNING DOWN ON YOU, LOVE. YOUR CHILD MIGHT GROW UP TO BE A FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN, WE KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS! DID YOU KNOW THAT EVEN THE TINIEST SPOT ON YOUR SKIN COULD BE A DANGEROUS PARASITE? IT CAN. CALL US, THE PROBLEM POINTER-OUTERS. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW BEFORE YOUR LIFE COMES CRASHING DOWN AROUND YOU. THE PROBLEM POINTER-OUTERS.
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32. |
Cash n' Clean
00:43
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33. |
SUHHHHH Vape Shop
00:38
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AHUH-HUH SUHHHH DUUDE. VAPE LIFE IS LIFE, BRIH. WE’RE NOT BLOWING CLOUDS UP YOUR ASS WHEN WE SAY WE’VE GOT THE DANKEST JUICES AND THE UNREGULATED-EST MODS HERE AT SUHHHHH VAPE SHOP. YOU LIKE STICKIN' JUULS IN YOUR MOUTH? WE GOT THAT. YOU ONLY SUCKIN' THAT VEGAN, BRO? WE GOT DAT FREE-RANGE SHIT ALL CRUELTY-FREE AND STUFF. WE ALSO HAVE FORTINTE FRIDAYS WHERE WE PLAY FOR SUUUUUHHH-VERAL HOURS. IF YOU CAN BLOW A TRIANGLE, YOU GET A FREE SUK-DIGI 69 WATT UN-REG BOX-MOD-FLESH-PEN-AHH-HUH SUHHHH. ONLY AT SUUUUUHHHH VAPE SHOP. HASHTAG VAPENUTS.
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34. |
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35. |
Human Manure
00:39
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36. |
Incestry.com
00:33
|
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37. |
||||
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w: HI, MY NAME IS WILLY NESTON.
h: AND MY NAME IS HALBERT NORBERT HUCKBEE. THE-POP-A-LYPSE IS COMING.
w: WHETHER YOU WANT IT TO OR NOT, SO YOU BETTER BE READY.
h: ACT FAST OR YOUR ASS IS GUH-RASS.
w: DAMMIT HAL, I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT.
h: AW COME ON WILLY, HAVE SOME LEVITY.
w: THIS IS SERIOUS!
h: LIKE THE UH-POP-A-LYPSE.
w: YUPP. IN THE A-POP-A-LYPSE YOU NEED THREE THINGS: A PLACE TO SLEEP, A PLACE TO EAT, AND A PLACE TO PEE.
h: DON’T PEE OUTSIDE 'CAUSE THE AIR IS FULLA' RADIATORS.
w: YEA, TAKE IT FROM HAL, THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE.
h: I AM OLD AND WISE.
w: FOR TEN DOLLARS A MONTH, YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE TO HAL AND WILLY'S GUIDE TO THE NUKE-UH-LER APOCALYPSE. A VIDEO SERIES ABOUT SURVIVAL.
h: AND IF YOU WANNA PLAY SOME BOARD GAMES WILLY WON’T DO THAT WITH ME ANYMORE - YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT!
w: DAMNIT HAL!
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38. |
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39. |
MALE Box
00:31
|
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40. |
Nite Shite
00:27
|
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41. |
Sinkies
00:29
|
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42. |
Smoke-A-Cola
00:43
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43. |
Tree Pattern Baldness
00:33
|
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44. |
Ugly Company
00:33
|
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45. |
Dance Pants
00:41
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YOU TIRED OF LOOKING LIKE A DAD ON THE DANCE FLOOR? TRYING TO BUST A MOVE, BUT ONLY BRUISING IT? YOU NEED DANCE PANTS. THEY’RE PANTS THAT HELP YOU DANCE, WITH THE AID OF A HIGH SPEED, 240 VOLT VIBRATION MOTOR BUILT RIGHT INTO THE TAINT! ALL YOUR LEGS WILL BE STANKY WITH DANCE PANTS! THE EASY-TO-CARRY, FOURTEEN-POUND, LITHIUM ION BATTERY SLIDES NICELY INTO YOUR BACKPACK, RIGHT NEXT TO THE MOLLY! DANCE PANTS ARE WATER-RESISTANT, AND FEATURE LED-LINED CAMEL-PAK CARGO POCKETS! YOU’LL BE THE GYRATION STATION OF FLOURSCENT HYDRATION WITH DANCE PANTS! GET YOUR GROOOOOVE ON.
(DANCE PANTS ARE A DANGEROUS HIGH VOLTAGE APPLIANCE, CHECK ALL WIRES PRIOR TO EVERY USE. RAVE RESPONSIBLY.)
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46. |
MeeMaw's Bakery
01:05
|
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47. |
||||
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JOIN I DUNNO RADIO LIVE AT THE GRIEVOUSTON HOSPITAL AUCTION! IT’S YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A PIECE OF MEDICAL HISTORY – LITERALLY! EVERYTHING MUST GO, FROM OLD MEDICAL RECORDS TO GURNEYS, EVEN EXPIRED PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS! NEED NEW BEDSHEETS? HOW ABOUT AN MRI MACHINE? THEY’RE EVEN AUCTIONING OFF REMOVED APPENDIXES, TONSILS, AND OTHER MEDICAL WONDERS! STOP BY THE I DUNNO RADIO BOOTH BETWEEN NOON AND TWO, AND ENTER TO WIN A 50 AUCTION CREDIT! THE GREIVOUSTON HOSPITAL AUCTION!
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